Nation in shock as rising HIV rate shows old people definitely still having sex

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A nation is in shock this morning after a large increase in the number of people aged 50 and over catching HIV proved that old people are, without doubt, still having sex.

It has long been the nightmare scenario for right-minded individuals everywhere to assume old people stop having sex as soon as they get past their mid-forties, but new evidence suggests they are every bit as sexually irresponsible as their teenage grandchildren.

The over 50s HIV infection rate in England, Wales and Northern Ireland more than doubled in under a decade, proving that perhaps your grandma really doe think that condom she found in your wallet is a sweetie.

The news has left many shaken, with some hoping the rise could attributed to something other than wild monkey sex between saggy old people with grey pubic hair and….mmmeuuughggghhphh!


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As one reader put it, “Could it be that the rise in HIV is from infected blood transfusions?  What about mosquito bites, please tell me it could be from mosquito bites?”

“What about the possibility it’s an HIV serial killer, going round injecting old people at night when they’re fast asleep, after definitely not having sex of any kind whatsoever?”

Ruth Smith, who led the HPA research, said, “I’m sorry, but the facts speak for themselves, and old people are clearly going at it like a lambrini-soaked hen party backstage at a rock concert, whilst practising the sort of safe sex techniques you’d expect from a 14 year-old retard.”

“Yes, I’m talking about your grandma, and please stop vomiting, we’ve just had this carpet cleaned.”