Stuff worth stealing at 29-year low, survey shows

author avatar by 14 years ago

The number of crimes committed in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since 1981, suggesting that the recession has left people unable to afford anything worth stealing.

In 2009-10, crimes committed fell to 9.6 million – 9% below the previous year, indicating that criminals can no longer be bothered going to the effort of taking away all of your tatty shit.

Petty criminal Angus Lewis told us, “It’s all about risk and reward.  I’m a business man, so I’m not going to risk breaking into a house if I know full well there will be nothing worth stealing inside it.”

“We are the forgotten victims of the recession.  Sure, people are losing their jobs, but when that happens they buy less good stuff for us to steal.  We are hurting too.”


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Though figures are currently at their lowest for 29 years, Lewis claimed there are green shoots of recovery in the crime market.

“Only last night I heard some bloke explaining he was thinking about buying a HD free-view box.  You would never have overheard that a year ago.”

“That’s just the sort of thing we need to kick-start the crime economy.  I could steal it, sell it on to a fence, he’d sell it in the pub and I’d steal it again.”

“Everyone’s a winner. Well, except the people who want an HD free-view box.”

Police forces have been quick to appeal to the public that they should continue being destitute for as long as possible, in order to make it seem like they’re doing a really good job.

A spokesperson for the Met Police said, “Recession does have its plus points, and us looking good is one of them.”

“So if you could all just go about your business whilst looking penniless we’d be ever so grateful.”

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