Non-speaking Cheryl Cole finally declared ‘perfect’

author avatar by 14 years ago

After Malaria-ridden Cheryl Cole became so ill she was unable to speak, men everywhere have indicated that the pop-star has now become what is technically known among the male population, as ‘perfect’.

For years men have said that if they were deaf then Cole is just the sort of woman they could see themselves settling down with, but unfortunately her verbal emissions would make life a little difficult after twenty or thirty years of relentless rutting.

However, after her recent illness has left her unable to communicate vocally, she was instantly elevated to ‘perfect’ status by millions of deluded single men who seem to think they have a chance with her.

James King, 25 told us, “I’ve always said that if you could put the voice of Joanna Lumley into the head of Cheryl Cole you would have a weapon capable of rendering every man alive utterly, utterly useless.  The second best weapon is clearly a mute Cheryl Cole.”

“We must do everything in our power to make sure she doesn’t fall into enemy hands.  I will gladly take the first watch.”

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It is expected Cole’s illness will prevent her from taking up her X Factor role as chief patroniser to a number of pop-star hopefuls who will be performing in a rented holiday home somewhere sunny.

King continued, “I don’t care if she can never speak again, I’d love her all the same. In fact, maybe the doctors should consider removing her vocal chords to limit her suffering at this terrible time?”

The final word was left to rather creepy fan, Shane Burrows, 42, who asked, “So she’s weak, unable to to talk, and bed-ridden?  Which hospital did you say she was in again?”