Under new proposals in which GPs will control much of the NHS budget, many have said they would like to conduct patient consultations from one of those nice big red chairs with hidden compartments in the arm, and have their surgeries staffed by midgets.
Ministers want doctors to club together in consortia to take charge of billions of pounds of funds for mental health, hospital and community services, effectively handing the person who cups your balls a blank chequebook.
As one GP explained, “I was a big fan of Jim’ll Fix It when I was a kid, and loved the way all his guests revered him, and never pestered him until he gave them what their ill-informed opinion thought was best for them.”
“I’d like a bit of that, and I’m pretty sure it’s the chair that did it. As soon as that chequebook arrives I’m ordering one each for me and my colleagues.”
“Of course, it wouldn’t be truly effect unless I had some jingly-jangly jewellery to go with it, but we’re only talking a few thousand here, which is nothing compared to some of the NHS’ failed IT projects.”
The move would represent a major change, but the Government believes GPs are better placed than managers to respond to patient need and effectively distribute resources.
Another GP agreed, “Yes, we know what’s best for the patients, and what better way for a sick person to be greeted than by a team of midget assistants – wait, didn’t I mention the midgets?”
“Well of course we’ll be staffing surgeries with midgets, they can’t help but make you feel better just by looking at them. There might be a shortage after a while, but we’re doctors, we can probably get funding to breed a few hundred thousand more.”
“I have a dream where patients are escorted to my office by a team of midgets, and I’d ask them what was wrong whilst chewing on a fake cigar, before preparing a prescription from the secret compartment in the chair’s arm.”
“They might even get a medal, if the budget will stretch to it after I’ve order some new shell-suits.”
Patient Dave Jones said, “This is a terrible, terrible idea. If there’s one person on this planet I don’t want to have more power, it’s the person whose job it is to put their finger up my arse.”