No-one in north west appears to own a hosepipe, admits water company

author avatar by 14 years ago

After announcing a hosepipe ban in the north west of England beginning Friday morning, water company United Utilities have admitted that initial investigations show that nobody in that region has ever owned, or had need to use, a hosepipe.

Despite record rainfall over the winter period, a few weeks of dry weather have left water stocks at below optimum levels, forcing the company to ban the thing that nobody within a hundred miles of of Manchester has ever owned.

United Utilities spokesperson told us, “We’ve spent all morning on the phones explaining to panicked customers exactly what a hosepipe is.”

“The very concept of watering your garden appears to be completely alien to people who live in a region where it tends to piss down for eleven and half months of the year.”

“Despite the apparent lack of hosepipes anywhere in the North-West, the ban will go ahead anyway, seeing as we’ve already announced it and everything.”

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Manchester resident Mick Wadsworth explained his surprise at the ban, saying, “This pipe thing that you supposedly attach to a tap, puts more water on your garden, apparently.  Does that not strike you as a little bit weird?”

“If I saw one of my neighbours adding more water to their already sodden garden I’d move to have them committed under the mental health act.”

“I mean, my lawn is technically marshland already, so why would I ever want to put more water on it?  And why would I bother spending my money on some new-fangled pipe device to do something that the rain already does more than I bloody want?”

“They might as well ban hover-scooters and helicopter-bikes for all the effect this ban is going to have in the Manchester area.”

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