by Portuguese football ace Cristiano Ronaldo has become the proud father of a baby boy in what scientists are hailing as the first recorded self-insemination birth by a human male.
Ronaldo is said to have pioneered the concept of human self-insemination after catching sight of himself in the mirror after a particularly thrilling performance for his club side Real Madrid.
“He saw that hot piece of ass in the mirror and knew right then that he had to tap that,” a spokesman for the star said last night.
“He is confident that his relationship with himself will not become awkward due to the new arrival, and he expects that an amicable custody arrangement can be reached.”
Love
Ronaldo’s parents spoke to a reporters about the new arrival last night, with his mother particularly pleased by the news.
She said, “From the very first time we walked in on Cristiano happily masturbating in front of a full length mirror, we knew that one day he would succeed in taking narcissism to the next level.”
“He has proven to the world that if you love yourself enough, then anything is possible.”
The baby news has come at a difficult time for Ronaldo, and it was touch and go whether the doctors would clear the Portuguese midfielder to take part in the World Cup.
Fortunately, his team were booted out early, allowing Ronaldo to fly home and give birth surrounded by his closest sycophants and lackeys.
Ronaldo’s former team-mate at Manchester United, Wayne Rooney, is taking full credit for the new child, telling reporters, “It was all me. I was the person who told him to go fuck himself.”
