After a survey of the nation’s children discovered that half of all 10-to-14 year-olds had seen their parents drunk, children everywhere have been quick to clarify that they find drunk adults absolutely hilarious.
Twelve-year-old Jack Williams told us, “My Dad is a brilliant drunk. He bounces off stuff around the house like a big clown. A big clown that’s dressed like an accountant and has shit its pants, but a big clown nonetheless.
“I feel sorry for the other half of all children who haven’t seen their parents drunk, that must be a truly awful existence.
“To them, parents must still be these big, scary authority figures, but to the rest of us, they’re just emotionally stunted idiots that can’t take their Cinzano and who we can never take seriously ever again.
“Sure, I get threatened with groundings like ever twelve year old, but then I picture my Dad lying on the living room floor in his underpants, curled up into a ball and deep in conversation with the vacuum cleaner, and I realise there’s absolutely nothing to be scared of.”
Government officials have issued guidance to parents, explaining that if you ever want to keep the respect of your children, it’s probably best not to get arseholed in front of them before doing that dance you were really good at when you were seventeen.
Twelve-year-old Harry Matthews countered that argument, insisting that parental respect is over-rated, “My friends love coming to my house, normally because my Dad will answer the door with his underpants on his head if he’s been drinking.
“We’ve only had to call an ambulance four or five times, so for the vast majority of their visits he’s simply hilarious.
“If we challenge him to break the world beer bong record that’s a whole evening’s entertainment right there.
“Honestly, he’s a hoot.”