Idiots still dying early

author avatar by 14 years ago

The gap between average life expectancy and that of the poorest in England is widening thanks to idiots ignoring all of the really expensive health advice they’ve been given over the last twenty years, a National Audit Office report says.

Despite efforts to ensure they live a long and healthy life, the nation’s poorest idiots are still doing all of the things that will ensure they die before they get a chance to be old, cantankerous idiots.

The NAO says that from 1995-97 to 2006-08 the life expectancy gap between idiots and non-idiots grew by 7% for men and 14% for women.

As one researcher explained, “We have spent millions and millions telling idiots that smoking will kill you, and that you should improve your diet, yet for some reason the only people paying a blind bit of notice are the people with a few quid in their pockets, who also happen to not be complete idiots.”

“What can we do?  We can’t be more explicit – we tell them ‘continue to do this and you will die early’ and yet they’re still smoking like chimneys and sucking down pies like a spectacularly obese Dyson vacuum.”

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One idiot we spoke to explained, “Yeah, so smoking will mean I die earlier yeah?  But look how cool I am right now yeah.  Rather than spend ten million on an anti-smoking campaign, why not spend ten million on fags for me and my friends and we’ll call it quits, yeah?”

“And as for my diet, if God had wanted me to eat vegetables, he’d have made me into an insufferable bore like all those vegetarian dudes.”

“He certainly wouldn’t have opened that 24 hour McDonald’s at the end of the road, would he?”

“So who am I going to listen to, you and your sciencey-shmiencey stuff – or God who put a Big Mac within arms reach and gave Dodgy Dave a load of Polish fags to offer me on the cheap.  Hmm?”

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