US officials have arrested ten suspected Russian spies after they were found to be passing on America’s greatest secrets, the recipes to the KFC double down chicken sandwich and other fast food delicacies.
The move comes after a five-year FBI investigation in which the spies had been under instruction to get close to fast food workers, and those involved in the preparation of the highly-calorific snacks.
One of the suspected spies said on via his Twitter account, “For years we have lived among you, and apart from the rampant consumerism and your unhealthy obsession with ’rounders’ we had even begun to feel like one of you.”
“Then you brought out the double-down sandwich and we knew we had to take you down for the sake of the motherland, and for the safety of the rest of the world as a whole.”
“We were activated because it’s a chicken sandwich – but instead of a bread bun, you use two more pieces of chicken – It’s actually just three pieces of chicken. Oh, and cheese and bacon, obviously.”
Each of the spies is said to have adopted a deep cover persona, and had fully ingratiated themselves to the local population.
FBI spokesperson, “They had each put on fifty pounds and were known to spout casual racism with little provocation. But they also claimed to be staunch Republican supporters, in order to avoid arousing suspicion.”
23 year-old Washington resident Chet Walker told reporters, “This a national disgrace! Those commie bastards can take our missile codes, but they should never be able to take our burgers!”
An FBI spokesperson concluded by telling residents that they should not be disappointed that they did not spot the traitor in their midst.
“You should all go easy on yourselves, because to the untrained eye they were indistinguishable from the sort of person you would meet on any American suburban street.”
“Well, apart from the broad Russian accents.”