Ofsted has warned that many parents see schools as “bossy” or “interfering” when they have the temerity to tell them to stop filling their children’s lunch boxes with fatty garbage that has no nutritional value whatsoever.
Instead parents want to be able to continue feeding their obese children all manner of processed shite whenever the hell they like, inspectors said.
Sharon Bootle, 24 told us, “I like my five kids to be fat, because they’re much easier to control – they can’t run away from me and are quite happy to sit for hours in front of the TV where I can keep an eye on them.”
“Plus, you know, they’ll be much less attractive to all those paedophiles that I keep reading about.”
“So if the schools want me to start including green stuff in their lunch box they had better be happy with a box of After Eight mints. They’re dead classy you know.”
Holding a sample lunch box taken from a seven year-old pupil, headmaster Harold Williams told us, “See this crisp? It’s bright orange, smells like cheese and contains no potato whatsoever. And this is the healthiest thing in here. By a mile.”
“Someone needs to explain to these people that a Jaffa Cake’s orangey bit does not count as one of your five a day.”
“Twenty years ago the playground at this school was full of running and laughter. Now it’s fully of red-faced wheezing fatties, and it’s not just the dinner ladies any more.”
Not all teachers say that fat children are a bad thing, with Father Seamus O’Donnell of St Mary’s Catholic school explaining, “Today’s portly children can be bought off for a measly packet of crisps and a viscount biscuit. Which let me assure you, is a lot cheaper all round.”