Reports are surfacing this morning that God is set to put an end to ongoing speculation by making a decision as to which set of ass-kissing footballers he will grant the ability to win the World Cup.
Teams throughout the tournament are filled by self-crossing, heavenward-gazing footballers, leading many commentators to claim that God is facing an almost impossible decision.
John Motson explained, “He’s made it very difficult for himself – if he chooses the team that kisses his ass the most, then he’s encouraging more ass-kissing next time, which will mean less football and more kissing of jewellery with overly elaborate demonstrations of blind faith.”
“But if he chooses a team that hardly kisses his ass at all, then footballers everywhere will surely be left asking themselves, ‘what’s the bloody point’.”
“It’s a tough one alright, but this is why he gets paid the big money – to make difficult decisions like this.”
There will be an early chance to see God’s will in action this afternoon as two of the biggest ass-kissing teams, Portugal and Brazil, play each other in their final group game.
Motson continued, “Both sides have so many of crucifix-kissing, heavenward-pleading, rapidly self-crossing players that they often look like a well-choreographed street dance troupe, but obviously he has must choose one. Unless he chickens out and makes it a draw, of course.”
God’s spokesperson David Icke told reporters, “Sure, God likes a little nod in his direction every now and again, especially from footballers. He was a goalkeeper like me you know.”
“But no-one likes a kiss-ass – well, actually that’s not strictly true, God loves a kiss-ass, he basically demands it from everyone who follows him – but these footballers are starting to take the piss now.”
“Isn’t that right Dad? He said ‘yes’.”