Experts are warning of the dire consequences for middle-England after Tennis spawned its first ever immortal match at Wimbledon yesterday.
As the first round match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut enters its third day, experts are warning against further attempts to extend the useful life of other sporting events.
Professor of Sports Entertainment, Harold Wimpleton-Smythe explained, “We have a long tradition in this country of extending the life of sporting events beyond the time for which they can realistically hold our interest or keep us entertained, and this is just the latest example.”
“For all intents and purposes, tennis should now be considered immortal. This match could still be going on long after you and I are all long gone.”
“Someone needs to speak out about the risk this poses, and it falls to me to tell the powers that be to stop playing God and just let tennis matches die when they stop being interesting – after an hour or so.”
Keeping tedious sporting events alive much longer than any sane person would enjoy is something of a British tradition, with Professor Wimpleton-Smythe giving further examples.
“If you think about it, a ten hour tennis match is nothing when you compare it to a five day cricket match – a five-day cricket match which can still end in a draw, don’t forget.”
“That’s a whole week. And still nobody wins. I want you to let that sink in for a minute.”
“If this tennis match ever dies, at least we’ll have a result. A result that absolutely nobody cares about, but a result nonetheless.”