Scotland spoke this morning of its Slovenian heritage through a great great grand-parent that it’s never mentioned previously, but only because it never came up in conversation.
As England prepare for a win-or-bust qualifying match against the European minnows of Slovenia, Scotland was at pains to make clear its vociferous allegiance to the former-Yugoslavian state was forged by long-held familial ties, and not some deep-seated jealously of their next-door neighbours.
Scotland said, “Yeah, it was our great great granny McTavish on our Mum’s side. She was from the capital – which is called Ljubljana and has a population of 280,000, according to Wikipedia.”
“I guess that deep down I’ve always known I was part Slovenian, but it’s taken something like this to make me realise just how patriotic I am for those crazy former-Yugoslavs.”
“And like all one-sixteenth Slovenians, I will be backing my team fully, and extremely vocally, in this afternoon’s game.”
Though dubious of the Slovenian heritage claimed by Scotland, England was claiming this morning not to be surprised by its neighbours new allegiance.
England explained, “I’m not at all surprised to honest. Living next door to us is like living next door to a stock broker with a massive flat TV who spends his evenings eating caviar from the tits of a bevy of top-heavy lovelies, whilst you’re next door sat on a dirty sofa eating cabbage.”
“The only surprise is that they don’t hate us more than they already do. I look in a mirror sometimes and even I am filled with self-loathing. We spawned Simon Cowell, Katie Price and James Blunt for God’s sake.”
“Anyway, if by some miracle we actually beat Slovenia, I fully expect to see Scotland find some distant relative who moved across from Serbia, Germany or Ghana – you know, ‘back in the day’.”