US demands right to self-pollute via oil that is burnt, not spilled

author avatar by 14 years ago

The US is today expected to renew its demand for the right to pollute itself through the burning of oil in unnecessarily large engines, rather than having the liquid version dumped on its shoreline.

With the Gulf of Mexico spill showing no signs stopping any time soon, millions of Americans are longing for the halcyon days when US oil pollution was caused by their oversized station wagons and a steadfast refusal to walk anywhere.

Dwight Schultz, 45, told us, “We have the right poison ourselves in a manner of our choosing, and BP have taken that right away from us, the right of every American to pollute the land as it sees fit.  It’s in the constitution – probably.”

“Seeing all that oil washed up on the shore brought a tear to my eye – that amount of oil could easily have kept our nations Humvees running for at least a week.”

“And now that delicious oil won’t power a single US vehicle.  It’s a tragedy of unprecedented scale – Obama was absolutely right when he said it was this region’s 9/11.”

NewsThump Hoodies


President Obama has publicly stated that BP will be held financially accountable for ensuring that all Americans in the gulf region can return to their pre-spill self-polluting ways, no matter the cost.

He told White House reporters, “This nation has a proud history of self-pollution, and we will ensure that BP pays whatever is necessary so that the people of the gulf can get back burning toxic substances in order to power unnecessarily large vehicles on ridiculously short journeys just as soon as possible.”

One gulf resident told British reporters, “How dare BP come over hear and kill our fish, when that oil could have been put through a US engine, burned, vaporised and inhaled by our nation’s children – it is an absolute disgrace.”

“How would you like it if we all came over to that there London and told you folks how to go about poisoning yourselves, hmmm?”