Government announces register of ‘quiet people who keep themselves to themselves’

author avatar by 14 years ago

The government has announced plans to introduce a new register that will be used to track the movements of nice, quiet people that tend to keep themselves to themselves.

The plans are expected to be rushed through parliament after the events in Cumbria that saw 12 people gunned down by previously nice and quiet taxi driver Derrick Bird.

So far investigators have failed to find a connection between twelve people being killed by a man with his own small arsenal, and people who own small arsenals.

This failure has prompted the government to take early measures through the use of previously successful ‘registers’.

Secretary of State Theresa May told reporters, “Not only will we be taking steps to closely monitor quiet people that keep themselves to themselves, but we will be making that information available to the public so you can find out if there are any ‘nice quiet people’ living among you.”

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The official inquiry into the Whitehaven shootings will start later in an attempt to clarify the reasons for Derrick Bird’s rampage, with many pro gun lobbyists seeking to lay blame at his previous nice, quiet demeanour and preference for keeping himself to himself.

“We feel that the common denominator in all of these shooting incidents is that the murderer is always someone nice and quiet who kept themselves to themselves, these are the dangers to society that we should be watching, not the people who own assorted deadly weaponry.”

Middle-class residents in most suburban towns have welcomed the measures, saying it’s about time someone addressed the threat posed by nice, quiet people.

Jane Meadows, 44, said, “This is great news, a register of this sort would help us stop this type of person infiltrating our neighbourhood.”

“A similar programme has helped us remain paedophile free for over ten year, so hopefully with will be as successful.”

“It’s a shame it’s come so late, God knows how many nice quiet people who keep themselves to themselves are already living unseen among us – but better late than never.”