Ministers are bringing forward measures requiring attractive immigrants looking to marry pathetic, yet comparatively wealthy UK citizens, to prove they have a command of English above inner-city teenager level.
The move is expected to see a huge increase in the number of unattractive middle-aged men who remain single due to their easily acquired internet brides failing their English language tests.
“It’s a huge disappointment for desperately ugly men like me,” said Gerry Shuttleworth, 48.
“I’ve spent the best part of six months searching the Internet for the perfect Mrs Shuttleworth, and now the government are saying I can’t ship her across because she can’t speak any English?”
“What difference does that make? Married people rarely speak to each other, and I won’t be letting her leave the house anyway.”
The new language exam will ensure any immigrants from outside the EU will be able converse in English to a reasonable standard, and understand at least 20% of the words leaving the mouth of Cheryl Cole.
Home Secretary Theresa May explained, “Coming to the UK and marrying a relatively wealthy ugly man is a privilege, and one for which we require certain standards.”
“We want to put an end to those awkward meetings where someone introduces their Thai or Russian bride to their friends and everyone sits in stony silence whilst admiring her figure.”
“We want those awkward meetings to be filled with stilted conversation and a series of humourous mispronunciations.”
“And for those men that don’t like the new rules, I suggest you move out of your mothers and try talking to an English woman.”