Steve Jobs unveils reasons why your iPhone is already rubbish

author avatar by 13 years ago

Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend £400 on the new iPhone 4.0.

Jobs presented the new devices at the Apple World Developers Conference in San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous with Jobs telling Apple users exactly why their current devices and software were actually rubbish all along.

The new iPhone 4.0 is seen as the ‘biggest jump’ in making your existing iPhone obsolete since the original device was launched three years ago.

Jobs opened the presentation by saying that “iPhone 4.0 does all these really cool things, which you’re old one definitely doesn’t, so you should ditch it immediately.”

“Such is the scale of advancements we’ve made that 2010 Steve Jobs would walk up to 2009 Steve Jobs holding a bit ‘L’ on his forehead before giving him an atomic wedgie.”

“Getting our users locked into a two year contract on a device which is obsolete within a year, is the Apple way, and we’ve really outdone ourselves this time.”


Among the improvements are features that users of phones not made by Apple have benefited from for years, such as being able to do more than one thing at once, having decent mobile reception, and not needing to plug it in ever single bloody hour.

Jobs continued, “We see multitasking as hugely significant to our borderline-cultish followers.”

“The single biggest complaint we had from iPhone users was that they could smugly demonstrate just one app at a time to their bewildered friends, but with multiple apps open at the same time they are now able to keep their disinterested friends bored for hours on end.”

“We also see HD video as an important step in removing the excuses for you never getting round to making that film you’ve been talking about.”

“Of course, you’ll still never actually make it, but it won’t be the iPhone’s fault any more.”