A health watchdog has added its voice to calls for a minimum price per unit of alcohol in England, casting the frightening spectre of exceptionally dull Saturday nights across the entire country.
It is thought that raising the minimum price of alcohol will reduce its consumption, in much the same way that rising petrol prices has seen our nation’s roads overrun with bicycles.
However, critics of the plan have explained that cheap alcohol is the only relief they get from their dreadfully tedious lives, and that without it, the weekend would be entirely unbearable.
Keen drinker Sharon Bootle told us, “I don’t even like the people I go out with, I’ve just been thrown together with them through an unfortunate mix of genetics and geography.”
“The only thing that makes an evening with them even remotely bearable is experiencing it through the bleary haze induced by getting off my tits on cheap alcopops from the local off licence.”
“Take that away from me and Saturday evenings could be spent engaged in actual conversation with these complete shit-heels, which I swear to God is a fate worse than Katona.”
Critics have also suggests a hike in the price of cheap booze could have an adverse effect on population growth.
28 year-old Dave Roberts told us, “If it wasn’t for all the cheap booze, I’m pretty sure my virginity would have grown back by now.”
“I haven’t had sex with a sober woman since the unfortunate incident behind the youth club with Kelly James when I was 17.”
“If what they’re after is an ever-shrinking country full of boring virgins with rubbish social lives, then they should go right ahead and put the prices up.”