The team behind the 2012 Olympics have unveiled their one-eyed trouser mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville, who will be responsible for drawing global derision in the run up to the London event.
The mascots were created for children, according to Chairman Lord Coe, who said, “They will help connect young people to that feeling you get when you think you might recognise something, but then think ‘no, it couldn’t be, could it?’.”
“The children of Britain know more about sex and promiscuity than in any other nation on the planet, so what more suitable mascots could there be than a pair of thinly-disguised phallic symbols?”
“It’s also very important that a mascot can perform its number one responsibility – to draw in people’s attention and allow them to focus their disdain in one area, whilst in the background we go about failing desperately to match the Beijing spectacular.”
“And in that respect, I think pocket-sized mascots with a single bulging eye are absolutely perfect.”
The mascots have also been given unconvincing back stories in which a Sheffield steel worker unlawfully removes materials from his place of work.
“Rampant crime is also a central theme with our mascots, that is true.” continued Lord Coe.
“I must admit I thought that ‘stealing steel’ was a bit too subtle, but I’m glad to see there are some that got it.”
Early critics have said that Wenlock reminds them of a traumatic childhood memory.
One man told us, “I’d recognise that bulging eyeball anywhere – it came for me in my sleep when I was a child, it abducted me, anally probed me, and put me back from where it took me.”
“Yes, I also remember a pointy hat, purple robes and lots of crucifixes, but it was definitely Wenlock.”
In a final homage to London’s taxi drivers Wenlock and Mandeville will use their head-mounted taxi signs to spout poorly-informed racist diatribes on command.