Consumers have been left shocked after learning that eating processed animal genitals soaked in saturated and fat wrapped up in synthetic bags knowns as ‘sausages’, increases the likelihood of heart disease, according to a recent study.
The news is likely to come as a shock to many consumers who, if the results are news to anyone, believed that eating sausages was a good way to ‘eat yourself healthy’.
Lead researcher Renata Micha told us, “What we have discovered is that consuming minced hooves, anuses and eyeballs – whose taste is disguised with copious amounts of salt – is bad for you. I know, I couldn’t believe it when we got the funding either.”
“Our studies also showed that sausages also caused significant vomiting, but only when we explained to the test subjects exactly what was in them.”
“We honestly thought people already knew sausages were like the contents of a particularly low-budget bush tucker trial – minced, smothered in salt, and forced into a small synthetic bag – but we found there are significant numbers who pretend not to know how they are made.”
“They’re a bit like holocaust deniers in that respect. We’re sure that deep down they know exactly what happened, but for some reason have chosen to block it out.”
The study is causing further concern for sausage lovers everywhere, with many left wondering if Sunday mornings will ever be the same again.
As one former sausage fan explained, “Sausages are like Christmas presents – when you know where they really come from they lose a lot of their allure. You still want them of course, but it’s never the same after that.”
“And once you know the truth, you can’t watch someone enjoying one without longing for the days when you too lived in blissful ignorance.”