by England manager Fabio Capello’s new website – the ‘Capello Index’ – will allow supporters to track the performance of England players in areas such as how many skanks they’ve slept with, and the ferocity of their abuse towards the referee.
With statistics updated in the two hours after a game, fans will have detailed access to information normally reserved for team managers, PR professionals, and lawyers.
Capello told reporters, “As you can imagine, I have access to lots of information about my players, and now you can have full access too.”
“Want to know how many times Rooney questions the parentage of an assistant referee? We have that.”
“Want to know how many marriages John Terry has threatened since the tournament began? We have that.”
“Want to know how many World Cup goals Emile Heskey has scored. Well, that’s going to be zero, I think you already know that.”
Criticism
The new website is to be investigated by the Football Association after concerns it would emphasise the fact that most of England’s players are essentially just despicable shits with more money than sense.
An FA spokesperson said, “It is our job to ensure the players do not sulley the good name of the England football team – but unfortunately we can’t lock them away on a remote island for the entire tournament, apparently we must let them play a minimum of three football matches.”
“Maybe you could all just check the results, and not watch, listen to or in any way observer the players during the tournament?”
Despite FA concerns, England fans are keen on the new service, with one telling us, “It’s not just the individual players that it will monitor, it will also provide statistics for the whole team.”
“It will tell us how many locals the team have impregnated, and how many bar owners they have beaten up in an act of pre-emptive ‘self-defence’. It sounds ace!”
