Thousands of noose-building voters set for major disappointment

author avatar by 14 years ago

Voters who woke up to mentions of a ‘hung parliament’ before heading directly to their sheds to fashion a rudimentary hanging noose are set for a major disappointment, say constitutional lawyers.

Across the country people who don’t normally listen to the news have becomes overly excited at the prospect of a good old-fashioned political lynching.

Lisa Chappel, whose husband is a fan of capital punishment, told us, “He’s been constructing a ten foot frame for a noose in the shed since 7:30, cackling to himself like an idiot about the pros and cons of the long drop versus the short drop.”

“He got straight after mention of a hung parliament on the radio before putting the Tom-Tom on charge before telling me to find the post code for the Houses of Parliament.”

“Then he went and fetched a length of rope whilst still in his pyjamas. Honestly, he looks so happy I just don’t have the heart to tell him.”

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London rope merchant Martin Edmonton told us that his first hour of trade this morning had been his busiest since setting up his business in 1991.

“It’s been like Picadilly Circus in here.  It’s been a non-stop stream violent simpletons with a very definite gleam in their eye.”

“The question I’ve been asked more than any other is if a particular rope would support the weight of a middle-aged Tory politician.”

“I could have corrected them about the political situation, obviously, but business is business.”


Those seeking to hang all MPs ‘by the neck until they are dead’ are not the only citizens excited by the prospect of a ‘hung’ parliament.

Sharon Davies of the women’s group ‘Wizard’s Sleeves’ – an organisation for women with more than five children – said that this morning’s election news was good for all of her members.

“Hung you say?  How many of them are single?  What about that Clegg fella, he’s a nice looking chap.”

“For too long now we’ve not had any MPs that we could get excited about.  But this new lot sound very interesting.  Very interesting indeed.”

In the meantime, Gordon Brown has been putting the final touches to a moving poem about his desperation to get into bed with the Lib Dems, which is to be delivered to Nick Clegg’s office before lunch.

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