Gordon Brown is to claim victory in the general election after a number of potential voters failing to submit their ballots forced the outcome to be determined by the Duckworth-Lewis method.
In a deviation from the traditional ‘first passed the post’ electoral system, Labour have announced a revised victory target due to adverse voting conditions during their late-night seat chase.
A Labour spokesperson told us, “Yes, on paper the Tories have won more seats – but you’re forgetting the adverse voting conditions which mean we are actually only chasing 250 seats to win.”
“There were a large number of people unable to vote in constituencies in which we were competing, so after invoking the Duckworth-Lewis method we are actually on the verge of reaching our victory target.”
An electoral commission auditor explained “There has been much criticism of the problems at many polling stations last night, and despite the completely baffling mathematical calculations, Duckworth-Lewis does appear to be a popular – but bizarre – method of deciding the winner in other competitive environments, like 20-20 cricket.”
“Obviously this method of counting votes should only used when supporters are unable to use their votes due to adverse electoral conditions – as is the case here.”
“Without a completely level playing field, there is a need to issue a revised target, and in this case Labour are claiming to have reached such a target.”
“We’re not saying it’s a perfect system, but it’s the only method we have – and now we look forward.”
A Labour insider concluded by saying that Gordon Brown was on the phone to the Queen, explaining exactly how the Duckworth-Lewis method works, “I can just about hear him, and he seems to be using a rather complicated analogy involving Corgis.”