John Higgins accused of making Snooker sound interesting

author avatar by 14 years ago

World number one John Higgins has been suspended from all future tournaments after reportedly making the sport remotely interesting by agreeing to take a £261,000 bribe to lose frames.

Higgins has said the deal came after he encountered what he believed to be Russian mafia during a visit to Kiev, an incident which makes him sound infinitely more interesting than most people previously believed.

World Snooker Chairman Barry Hearn said, “Excitement, intrigue, threats of violence? These are not the headlines we expect to see associated with Snooker.”

“So I have taken the unfortunate decision to suspend Higgins from all future tournaments.  Indefinitely.”

“If he agrees to change his behaviour, and return to a routine of dour expressions, day-long matches where very little happens, and immaculate attire, then we might consider reinstating him.”

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“But let us have no more talk of ‘excitement’.  Please.”


Snooker fans were left surprised by the match-fixing allegations, with many admitting they had never really thought of snooker as a ‘sport’.

One fan said, “Let’s be honest, it’s not a proper sport, is it.  I always thought it was a bit like American wresting. A bit of theatre, if you will – only better dressed.”

“Are you telling me they’re genuinely competing against each other?  Well, they don’t try very hard, do they.”

Another fan told us, “Look, if my Grandad can be pretty good at it, then it’s not a proper sport.  That’s sort of the definition, surely?”

“And anyway, everyone knows you don’t play sports in a dickie bow – at least not in most inner-city comprehensives, though I can’t speak for Eton – obviously.”