A leading Iranian cleric who said earthquakes were caused by an angry God, has suggested that Iran’s women should behave more like the inhabitants of Ibiza – an island treated to year-round sunshine and zero God-induced seismological events.
Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that after reviewing meteorological charts, he was sure that the only way to secure the country’s environmental stability is for the women to start behaving like the thousands of holiday makers on the Mediterranean island.
He said, “As your spiritual leader, it is my job to tell you that earthquakes are God’s way of saying he is angry with the women.”
“We are being punished for their inappropriate ways, and as such we should look to emulate an island blessed with a temperate climate, blue skies, clear seas and most important of all, zero earthquakes.”
“By punishing Iran with shaking ground and mass destruction, whilst throwing nothing but sunshine and good times at Ibiza, God is clearly sending a message to our women – be more like the Ibizans.”
The move is a major departure from the traditional Iranian clerical instruction of extreme propriety and modesty which is normally adhered to with quite literal religious zeal.
However, Sedighi said he would do whatever God commands, no matter how unusual his instructions.
“I have studied the God-favoured behaviour on Ibiza and have been listening to loud drum and bass since yesterday evening, and apart from what appears to be a serious case of tinitus, I feel great and blessed by God’s glory.”
“Did you know that Tehran doesn’t have a single nightclub to rival those on Ibiza? It is actions like this that are making God very angry indeed.”
“I have spoken to the women of our city, and the muffled responses I heard through their hijabs tell me that not one of them has ever been hammered on cheap sangria only to find themselves getting rogered on a building site by a nineteen year old squaddie from Bromsgrove.”
“We only have a finite amount of time before God unleashes his retribution, so the sooner our women start behaving like bikini-clad trollops, the better for all of us.”