David Cameron claiming victory for Aston Villa in FA cup semi-final

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Despite considerable evidence to the contrary, Conservative leader and Aston Villa fan David Cameron was last night claiming victory for his team in last weekend’s FA Cup semi-final against Chelsea.

The match was actually won 3-0 by Chelsea, a fact witnessed by 70,000 fans at Wembley and millions more on television, however the Conservative spin machine was working full throttle this morning to convince sports fans that Cameron’s team had actually won.

George Osborne told reporters, “Villa were strong and forceful, and it was their job to show they are ready to be in the FA Cup final, and I think they did that job perfectly.”

“Say what you like about scores and results, but I’m sure the people at home – the people who count – would agree that Villa won.  Don’t ask them though, will you?”


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Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been petitioning for a third team to be included in the Wembley showpiece, and last night made a compelling argument for a third way.

Voter Terry Knowles said, “Yeah, that Lib Dem fella was interesting, but then this morning I remembered this is the FA Cup Final, and there is no way a third team can be involved, no matter how less-rubbish his proposed tactics were compared to the others.”

Labour continue to campaign for a place in the final despite Gordon Brown’s team Southampton being knocked out by Portsmouth absolutely ages ago in the quarter-final.

Peter Mandelson explained, “Southampton’s claim is very substantial, and yes, every statistic we can see shows that we’ve been out the running for months – but Gordon honestly feels they deserve a place in the final anyway.”

SNP leader Alex Salmond complained there were no Scottish teams in the FA Cup semi final, telling anyone who would listen, “It’s typical of the English Westminster arrogance that we weren’t invited into this event that had practically nothing to do with us at all.”

One fan told Salmond, “Look, if you hadn’t been so intent on holding your own cup competition north of the border maybe it would have been of more interest to you?”

The showpiece final is set for 6th May.

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