After withdrawing from sale a padded bikini for seven year old girls, Primark has launched padded swimming trunks for British males of all ages.
The swimming trunks, which include water-resistant frontal padding, are available for all males of all ages provided they are capable of being manipulated by a perceived need to hide their real genital dimensions.
A Primark spokesperson, “First of all I’d like it known that we weren’t happy with the criticism of our padded child’s bikini.”
“People talk about us targeting the paedophile pound like it’s a bad thing. Trust me, corporate profit statements don’t care how disgusting the pound’s original owner was – just that he gave it to us.”
“Our designers were clearly aware that making sexual organs more appealing is an important design feature, and we’re confident that nobody will complain about the new line of padded swimming trunks.”
Lead designer, Randolph Gruber explained, “The water in the UK is cold, so we see a unique market for British consumers looking to protect their flimsy reputations when leaving the sea.”
“I’m keen to ensure we’re not being too subtle about what this product is for. So let me be clear. It’s for making your cock look bigger. Okay?”
“We are confident that this product will see a resurgence in hideously tight fitting swimwear for men of all ages.”
Not everyone is impressed, with one woman who was part of the focus group reviewing the trunks telling us, “They’ve been dubbed the ‘wonder trunk’, because when you take them off you wonder where it all went.”