What’s a couple more weeks if you’ve got cancer, say Tories

author avatar by 14 years ago

The Conservatives have defended their position on the removal of guarantees for suspected cancer patients to be tested within two weeks by insisting that people who think they have cancer probably have better things to do than worrying about how quickly they can see a doctor.

After originally criticising Labour for highlighting their planned removal of the guarantee, the Conservatives have today defended the position claiming that two weeks “is such an arbitrary figure anyway”.

A Tory spokesperson explained, “People say that two weeks is still too long to see a doctor, yet those same people come back from their holidays claiming two weeks simply wasn’t long enough.”

“How can we be expected to put in place really expensive life-saving health care policies when people can’t even decide whether two weeks is a long time, or a really, really short time.”


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The spokesperson went on to elaborate when asked for the rationale behind the policy.

“If we had a policy which said we were taking all two week holidays and making them at least a month, everyone would be delighted.  That’s the hypocrisy we’re working with here.”

“First of all two weeks is too long, then it’s suddenly too short.  There is no consistency here.  At all.”

“It’s typical of today’s entitlement culture that the moment they think they’re dying from a hideous disease they want to be seen as quickly as possible by a medical professional, yet when they’re on a beach in Spain they want to stay much longer.”

“We’re not sure we should be spending limited public funds satisfying the spurious demands of a fickle public when there are significant numbers of rich people that want to pay significantly less tax.”

“Also – and I’m no Doctor of course – but I’m quite sure that if you do have cancer you should probably focus all of your energy on getting better rather than being angry about waiting ages to get diagnosed.”

“That little tip is completely free by the way, courtesy of your local Conservative representative.”