Gordon Brown is preparing to unveil the Labour manifesto, which will contain a series of completely unenforceable promises and pledges designed to make you forget about all the despicable shit they’ve done in the last decade.
The party will try to convince voters that these promises are worth more than the paper they are written on, and that we should all give them a fourth term in government.
A Labour spokesperson explained, “This manifesto contains a list of all the things we plan to do in a hypothetical future world where everything we do goes exactly to plan.”
“The moment reality proves to be a little bit different from our utopian vision, we obviously retain the right to dump this manifesto like a clap-ridden cheating girlfriend.”
The list of bullshit promises is expected to include a commitment to keep the basic rate of tax at 20p, and to not raise VAT or extend it to items currently not covered such as food and baby clothes.
A leaked Labour party memo shows that many party activists felt that if bullshit promises were to be made, they should “really go to town with it”.
It reads, “Look, if we’re going to put a list together of things we ‘promise’ to do, but which we can’t be held legally accountable for, why not include some real vote-winning humdingers?”
“We’re thinking tax breaks for the mega-rich, or raising the income tax-threshold to £10,000. Look, if the Tories and Lib Dems have the bare faced cheek to promise such things, why shouldn’t we?”
Lord President of the Council Peter Mandelson defended the current manifesto, explaining that it should be taken for what it is, a bit of a wish list if things go swimmingly for five years.
He said, “Is it legally enforceable in the ‘legally enforceable’ sense of the phrase? No, it’s not. But still, we didn’t want to take the piss too much.”