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Overweight and gluttonous children across the country are preparing to thank Jesus for dying during the school holidays so that they can continue to make themselves sick on mass-marketed confectionery.
The sight of chubby kids inhaling chocolate eggs has long been an image synonymous with the crucifixion tales from the Christian faiths, and once again the nation’s children are extremely grateful.
However, there has been criticism that filling supermarkets with discounted chocolate is stopping people from recognising what Easter is truly about – a man who died for the sins you are almost certainly committing while reading this.
The claim that children don’t understand the true reason for Easter is one vehemently denied by most of the chocolate-guzzling youngsters we spoke to.
10-year-old Luke Williams told us, “Of course I know what Easter is really all about.
“We did it at school. I know that the only reason I am able to eat all this delicious chocolate is because a bloke called Hey Zeus was horribly murdered a really really long time ago.
“I don’t even believe it myself; my Dad said religion is just a fictional construct designed to allay man’s inherent fear of death and the unknown.
“But you know what, I just LOVE chocolate – so thank you Hey Zeus!”
A Catholic church spokesperson explained, “Sure, we’d like people to use Easter for visiting us at their local church and an opportunity for worship, but frankly if the four day weekend and copious amounts of chocolate takes people’s mind off all the child molestation stories, we’ll settle for that.”
