Everton’s Tim Cahill accosted by vengeful corner flags

author avatar by 13 years ago

Everton’s Tim Cahill was last night accosted by a group of angry corner flags hell-bent on revenge after years of unprovoked attacks by the Australian midfielder.

Cahill is said to be in a stable condition and is recovering at home after the attack which took place in the Stanley park region of Liverpool.

One eye witness told the police, “He put up a good fight, but there were just too many of them – it was really quite vicious.”

“We’re pretty sure we heard one of the flags screaming, ‘bob and weave this you smug Aussie twat’ as it jabbed itself into his groin area.”

“They waited till he went down, then shouted some more obscenities before making their way back to the kit shed.”


Criminology experts have agreed that thanks to Cahill’s systematic abuse, it was only a matter of time before an incident such as this took place.

Dr David Shlatter explained, “You simply can’t expect to pick on someone for this long and not expect some form of payback.  To be honest, the only surprise is that it’s taken this long for them to launch an attack of their own.”

“There would have come a time when every Everton goal would have been met with a resigned groan as the flags began to expect their usual beatings.”

“The fact that Cahill got away with it for so long is further evidence of a society which tolerates criminal behaviour, as long as you’re quite good at kicking a football.”

“However, it seems obvious to me that no matter what violent behaviour society is happy to accept, corner flags simply don’t forget.”