Vatican warns media to stop basing reports on things that definitely happened

author avatar by 14 years ago

The Vatican newspaper has launched a scathing attack on the world’s media after it used ‘facts’ to report that a Vatican office that was definitely led by the Pope, definitely ignored a complaint about a priest over some definite child abuse.

A Vatican newspaper editorial said the media claims barely even referred to “faith”, choosing instead to base the attack on the Pope around things that had “definitely happened”.

The editorial continued, “Facts are not something the church deals in, for blatantly obvious reasons, so we don’t think you should use them when reporting on us – it is only fair.”

“Look, if the Church only dealt in ‘facts’, the Bible would be about a page long and it would simply be a list of places that were definitely around at that time, plus maybe the names of a few kings.”

“That’s what your so called ‘facts’ do you see, they make everything boring and real.”


A Vatican spokespersons went on to explain that just because a series of facts points to something having happened, doesn’t mean it definitely did.

He said, “It’s the exact opposite of how we work, actually.  There are many things which we say definitely happened, despite a complete absence of any factual evidence whatsoever.”

“So when you take that to its logical conclusion, lots of factual evidence must mean that it definitely didn’t happen. Right?”

“Just because you have proof that someone reported to then Cardinal Ratzinger about some proven child abuse, and further proof that no action was ever taken, doesn’t give you the right to say he ignored it.  It might have got lost in the post.”

“Look, we are men of God, we have absolutely no reason in the world to lie about this.”

“Actually, thinking about it, the Italian postal service IS very unreliable you know. You should print that, definitely.”