Football Association chief executive Ian Watmore has resigned after less than a year in the post after it emerged he had failed to secure any sexual encounters whatsoever during his time in post.
Watmore, 51, who came to the FA from the Department for Innovation, Universities and Skills, in June, was said to be the perfect man to spearhead the organisation running our national filth-ridden sport.
However, leaked emails suggest his reputation has been far from enhanced after ten months of propriety, decisions based on ‘morals’, and sex only with his designated marriage partner.
An FA insider explained, “How can we possibly respect a man at the top of our sport if he’s completely unable to have himself a ‘bit on the side’ with an average looking trollop?”
“This is a man we expect players and coaches throughout the game to look up to, yet all he’s done is make good decisions and spend time with his family. It’s fair to say that the entire sport is embarrassed.”
It is rumoured that Watmore was finally exposed for the morally admirable man he so clearly is, after a failed attempt to successfully share stories of a made-up sordid encounter with his colleagues.
Our FA insider continued, “He talks a good game, I’ll give him that. But the details began to sound suspiciously like they’d been taken directly from Hugh Hefner’s autobiography.”
“He tried to deny it of course, but soon a lack of any texts or photos on his phone became obvious – there is only so many times you can fall for the old ‘oh I accidentally deleted that photo of a birds arse that I definitely took last night’ routine.”
“After that, he had no choice but to tender his resignation. It’s sad, but we move on and hope the next man is a right dirty little pervert.”
Watmore’s spokesperson told reporters, “There will be no further comment from my client, because he is too busy spending the next few days paying off loads and loads of women so they don’t sell their stories to the papers. Honest.”