Tiger Woods has announced that his return to golf will be at this year’s Master tournament, forcing the Augusta National greenkeepers to explain how they will do everything in their power to make all 18 holes looks as sexually uninviting as possible.
Augusta National chairman Billy Payne said in a separate statement: “We support Tiger’s decision to return to competitive golf beginning at this year’s Masters tournament, just so long as he keeps his erections to himself.”
“We recognise how difficult the last few vagina-less months have been for Tiger and as such, we feel it is our duty to make our furry cups as unappealing as is humanly possible.”
“It’s a challenge, definitely, we just hope he can control himself at the first sight of a potential orifice surrounded by neatly trimmed foliage.”
“That said, Tiger is a world leader in getting into holes with the least amount of fuss possible, and it’ll be a pleasure to see him in action again.”
Golf commentators have expressed their concern that maybe Tiger is returning to the sport too soon, and therefore might not be able to override his skank-seeking urges.
Peter Alliss explained, “At some point Tiger is going to have to walk up to a hole and put his hand inside, and to be honest we’re not entirely sure that it won’t lead to an immediate relapse.”
One Tiger Woods fan said, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted to see him back on the course – but if I see him crouched down looking at the hole, how will I know if he’s looking for a line, or simply fantasising about fucking it?”