We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD

author avatar by 14 years ago

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

The defence committee said it appeared the MoD was “doing everything it could to turn our attention away from the £21bn funding gap” when officials went through the motions at an evidence hearing last year.

The main criticism has been aimed at those who gave testimony which ranged from a series of attempts at misdirection, to simply using intimidating film quotes.

One defence select committee member explained, “We simply asked, where has all the money gone, but he said ‘look, an owl!’ – which made everyone turn around to look for the owl.”

“There was no owl.  There never was an owl.  It was simply one of those military misdirection techniques to throw us off the trail – and I’m ashamed to admit it worked.”

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“Another witness kept saying things like, ‘You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!’ over and over again.  It was a bit like an amateur dramatics society audition to be honest.”

“But worst of all was being told that they would tell us where the money went, but then they’d have to kill us.  That focuses the mind somewhat, and the questions dried up a bit after that.”


Defence minister Quentin Davies has said there is little to worry about, with 90% of MoD projects currently being delivered to time and budget.

“Don’t think of it as successfully delivering nine really, really small ambiguously-titled projects – think painting an MoD office – and then going massively over budget on one really massive project – like, say, invading Afghanistan.”

“Think of it as a 90% success rate.  It sounds much better that way.”

“Yes, yes, no more questions.  Thousands of trained killers work for me you know.”

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