John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamist

author avatar by 14 years ago

John Terry is this morning considering an offer from South African President Jacob Zuma to become a South African polygamist, after learning that President Zuma is welcomed all over the world despite having five wives and twenty children.

Terry, who has come in for significant criticism for having a teeny weeny amount of extra martial sex, feels that he too deserves the level of reverence Zuma receives throughout the world.

The former England captain told reporters, “It’s double standards at their very worst.  I only had sex with one other woman – that you know about – and yet I’m a villain, whilst this guy marries five of them and gets to have tea with the Queen.”

“I bet he’s really rubbish at kicking a football too, which makes me even better than him.”

“People seem to accept his promiscuous behaviour because it’s a ‘South African thing’ – which I have to admit is quite appealing.”

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“I have to tell you that I am seriously considering his offer to become a South African polygamist.”


President Zuma is said to have extended his offer to Ashley Cole and Tiger Woods, with their particular brand of relationship building seen as typically South African.

A spokesperson for Zuma explained, “Despite what you may think, here in South Africa we celebrate women – by reward these women with shares in a man of their own, with that share ranging from 10% up to 100% depending on how successful and wealthy he is.”

“You can get between 10-15% of a man if he is a president or a footballer, up to 100% of a man if he has a rubbish job and is bit funny looking.”

“If they are particularly lucky, they even get to take the odd holiday with their shared man, and maybe even meet the Queen.”

Terry’s spokesperson said they were reviewing catalogues of South African women before any final decision is to be made.