The nation’s easily entertained simpletons will tonight remain glued to their televisions as Eastenders is set to reveal which made up character killed someone who never really existed in an entirely fictional pub.
The mystery over who killed Archie Mitchell, a fabricated entity who isn’t really dead, has been a topic of conversation among millions of people unable generate a original thought of their own.
Speculation has been rife since the Christmas Day episode in which an actor pretended to be dead for a few minutes, on a television set made to look like a traditional east end pub.
An Eastenders spokesperson told us, “We know it’s not real, you know it’s not real, but fortunately there a millions of people out there who don’t realise this fact, and they are the people we’re aiming this show at, obviously.”
“If you’re the sort of person who still hurls abuse at talented actor John Altman, just because he happened to portray thieving Nick Cotton, then you’re seriously going to love tonight’s episode.”
“It’s a treat for all the grown up people who still think the world of make believe is real.”
Critics of the show claim that the fictional investigation of the made-up murder, by people pretending to be policemen, has failed to accurately reflect the justice system as it is today.
One told us, “At no point have the police accidentally beaten someone up, and not once have they tried to spuriously adapt terrorist investigative powers to let allow them to do whatever the hell they want.”
“If the makers of this prolonged fairytale want me to believe the police can solve a complex murder case in less than two months, they’ve got a another think coming.”