Real Madrid to offer record £85 million for Man Utd striker ‘Own Goal’

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Real Madrid have today risked the wrath of Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson by planning an audacious world record bid for prolific Manchester United striker “Own Goal”.

With 10 goals already this season, Goal is Manchester United’s 2nd top scorer, two ahead of perpetually sedated Bulgarian hitman Dimitar Berbatov.

Goal, who regularly partners fellow Utd striker “Dodgy Injury Time Winner” up front, is thought to be flattered by the interest from the Spanish giants.

Own Goal’s agent, Paul Stretford, told reporters, “Of course he’s flattered, but he’s a United player and he’s very happy here.”

“And apart from that, I’m not sure there are many defences as dire as Portsmouth’s in La Liga, so he may not get the same service in Spain.”

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Real Madrid are understood to have been put on high alert after Own Goal’s spectacular hat-trick against Portsmouth last weekend.

Spanish paper Marca have reported that Own Goal is the number one target for Madrid this summer, with Madrid’s president Perez quoted as saying, “You know I don’t like to talk about other clubs and their players, but I’ll do everything I can to get Manchester United’s Own Goal this summer.”

“Despite reaching double figures for the season after banging in another at Villa Park this week, I actually hope he hits a dry spell for the rest of the season –  then we won’t have to pay as much as we did for that greasy, diving, moaning little degenerate last summer.”


Berbatov, who has so far failed to impress at his time at United, has nothing but praise for his fellow striker.

“The manager demands that we score, and Own Goal has come a long way this season, he’s a pleasure to play with, as it means I have to run even less – so I’m obviously chuffed,” concluded the only man alive who makes the Panda look hyperactive.

United’s top scorer, Wayne Rooney, wants to see Own Goal – whose nationality isn’t certain – declare himself for England and play in this years World Cup.

“Heskey, Defoe and Crouch, the three of them can piss off, I want to play up top with Ownie,” said Rooney.

Sir Alex Ferguson however, is understood to be fuming at Real Madrid, who have yet again disrupted one of his best players in mid season.

“I wouldn’t sell that mob Own Goal” he was understood to have said.

“He’s our player and playing him means we don’t have to play that little scouser Michael Owen, which is a result” concluded the fiery Scot.