The nation’s footballers have been given this weekend off so they can spend every waking moment protecting their loved ones, after it was announced that Chelsea captain John Terry is taking a ‘few days off’ from his own footballing duties.
Fixtures as far north as Aberdeen look set to be postponed as professionals across the British Isles stay at home to keep a watchful eye out of for the Barking lothario.
Managers have taken the reluctant step of giving their players time off after seeing the lack of focus during training sessions.
Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neil said, “The boys have been terrific, just terrific, but you can’t expect them to perform to the best of their ability when they’re constantly worrying if John Terry is at their house impregnating their wife.”
“I think it best we let them have a wee bit of time off. They can come back to training after the weekend when John Terry is safely locked up back at Chelsea’s training ground.”
One panicked premiership star who refused to be named said, “Four days? Do you know how far and wide a John Terry can spread his seed in four days? I will be forced to watch my missus like a hawk the entire time.”
Another told us, “I caught my wife on the phone earlier, speaking in hushed tones, so I panicked and smashed it against the wall. Turns out it was the mother in law. This is what John Terry has done to us.”
“Honestly, the only time we can relax is when we know he’s on his way to or from, or actually playing, a match. And Chelsea have selfishly taken that brief respite from us.”
Not everyone is disappointed by John Terry’s imminent period of freedom, with Avram Grant particularly hopeful of a phone call from his former player.
“He knows how to party, for sure. So if you’re reading this JT, give me a call, we go fucking, yes?”