Government to seek out more reliable secret torture locations

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The foreign secretary has lost an Appeal Court bid to stop the disclosure of secret information relating to the torture of a UK resident, forcing an expansion of the search for torture locations hidden by a sufficient level of secrecy.

News that the UK knew Ethiopian-born Binyam Mohamed was tortured at the behest of US authorities during seven years of captivity has broken, after the US decided to foolishly put everything in writing and send it to the UK Government.

Foreign Secretary David Miliband said the ruling was “not evidence that the system is broken, but obviously we need to look for locations and partners capable of keeping their fucking mouths shut and who won’t write down every little inhumane thing they do on our behalf.”

“We are actively looking for new locations where interrogations can take place, and partners who will ensure that all we’ll hear back is the odd private conversation with none of this ‘documented findings’ rubbish – all so that we can claim complete plausible deniability.”


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Miliband continued “The only place we’ve found so far that has a suitable level of secrecy is at the residence of one ‘Josef Fritzl’ – though he’s not responded to any of our emails lately.”

“At the end of the day we accept the courts judgement that people finding out about this torture is a bad thing.”

“But I assure the public that we’re doing absolutely everything in our power to ensure you won’t have to hear stories like this in the future.”