Drug cheats much better than love cheats, Capello tells England fans

author avatar by 14 years ago

John Terry has been replaced by Rio Ferdinand as the new England captain after manager Fabio Capello explained to reporters that drugs cheats are significantly ‘less bad’ than love cheats.

With speculation rife over Terry’s future, Ferdinand was installed as the new captain on Friday by Capello, after he took time to consider the relative merits of each potential captain within his squad.

Capello told reporters, “I had hoped to delay my decision until sleeping with Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend in order to form my own opinion on the severity of the offence, it is the Italian way.  But she was not up for it.”

“So, I am delighted for Rio, he will be an excellent England captain, and a superb role model for children who claim to be really, really forgetful of potentially incriminating appointments.”

“I have always been of the opinion that dabbling with drugs is significantly better than dabbling with the mother of a team-mates child, so Rio was the logical choice.”

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Capello was challenged on why he did not consider other leading candidates for the role from within the existing England squad.

“There were options,” continued Capello, “but I felt that Rio’s misdemeanors were less serious than those of the other candidates.”

“Rooney is maybe one for the future, once we know his penchant for elderly prostitutes is well behind him.”

“Gerrard too, if we can stop him punching people in nightclubs.”

“Maybe even Frank Lampard as an outside choice if he can stop getting women pregnant and then leaving them for television personalities.”

“So as you can see, the future of the England captaincy is secure for many, many years to come.”