by Thanks to the wide selection of thoroughly uninteresting individuals to choose from, the number of people who feel a pressing need to vote in general elections is declining, according to a government-backed survey.
The survey of voter intentions showed that almost half the population ‘can’t be arsed’ to vote, mainly as the election organisers made little effort to ‘sex it up a bit’.
One potential voter from Bracknell, Shelly James, explained, “I enjoy a good vote, honestly I do.”
“I voted for X Factor winner Joe McElderry 27 times, so nobody can say I don’t exercise my democratic rights as a citizen of this country.”
“But at least they made an effort to get my vote. There were lots of flashing lights and a shiny stage and they all looked very, very pretty.”
“But this General Election thing sooo boring. And to be honest, without Dermot or Davina to explain it to me and remind me of the number to call every fifteen seconds it all seems a little bit complicated.”
Policy
Labour policy makers are considering a proposal to have Gordon Brown release a pre-election cover version of a Miley Cyrus track in the hope of encouraging traditionally passive voters to make their way to the ballot box.
A Labour spokesperson said, “He can’t carry a tune, obviously, but neither could Jedward and according to the latest figures they’re currently 47 times more popular than Gordon.”
First time voters are particularly ambivalent towards the election, with 19 year-old Tracey Jones telling us, “I’m not sure who I want to vote for to be honest. I think I’ll wait until I hear what Simon Cowell has to say about the contestants.”
“All I keep hearing about these two main parties, so I’m a bit disappointed I missed the early rounds when they knocked out all the interesting minor parties like the Greens, the BNP and the Liberal Democrats.”
“Is there some footage on YouTube where I can see their ritual humiliation in front of the nation purely for my entertainment? I really like that.”
“Now, which party is it that Louis Walsh is going to manage?”
