by The new owners of West Ham football club, pornographers David Gold and David Sullivan, have relaunched the club in their own image by including two enormous dildos in the club’s crest.
The new owners have taken a 50% share in the club and plan to immediately ensure the fans can enjoy some top quality adult fun alongside underwhelming pitch-based action.
“The one thing better than watching football, is to watch football whilst sporting a tumescent erection,” said new Chief Executive David Sullivan.
“We owe it to our supporters to give them a match day experience they won’t forget, and unless they’ve already seen ‘2 girls 1 cup’ they’ll never forget this weekend’s half-time entertainment.”
“We liked the West Ham underwear Katy Perry made for her fiancé Russell Brand, but wait until you see our new range of claret and blue open crotch laderhosen.”
“This is dream come true for David and I. For twenty years we’ve dreamed of selling vibrating plastic vaginas to gullible cockneys, and today that dream came true.”
Expectations
Gold was quick to set realistic expectations, claiming fans should not expect too much, too soon.
“This is a long term project for us, so if you’re expecting lap dancers offering extras at half time then you might have to wait until next season.”
“For the remainder of this season we will focus solely on pushing gaudy pornographic tat at people who will buy anything with ‘Hammers’ written on it.”
When asked about their plans for the management, Gold responded, “Zola? Who’s that then?”
A Birmingham City fans spokesperson said, “I don’t wish to alarm the West Ham fans, but these clowns owned us for 18 years, and in the three months since they left us, we’ve gone on a record-breaking unbeaten run, and we’re currently in our highest ever Premier League position.”
“I’m sure it’s just a coincidence though.”
