Female Neanderthals dressed like Barbara Cartland, say scientists

author avatar by 15 years ago

Scientists claim to have the first persuasive evidence that Neanderthal women wore Barbara Cartland style make-up in order to attract the men folk of the day, almost 50,000 years ago.

The team reported in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) that trowel like implements were used to smear on early foundation and blusher up to an inch thick at a time.

Other items were found including a thin piece of stone, which experts say was used as an early high heel, and a mammary shaped pebble, which they say may have been used for breast enhancement.

Experts also uncovered a number of well-carved wooden clubs, which are believed to be an early form of modern-day aphrodisiac, Rohypnol.


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Lead scientist Professor Shane McDowell said, “With so much rudimentary make-up caked onto each of the females, an evening on the Savanah wouldn’t have been all that different to a night out in Essex in the early nineties.”

“It also proves that calling a football hooligan a Neanderthal is actually a completely inappropriate simile.”

“In actual fact, our findings prove that it would be much more accurate to use that phrase in describing a particularly flamboyant drag artist.”

“We would like to spend more time studying the habits of early Neanderthal women, but obviously finding a modern day equivalent where the women dress and behave much like they did 50,000 years ago, is difficult.”

“Fortunately we have secured funding to spend six months studying in the closest modern equivalent we could find.  Newcastle’s Bigg market.”

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