Charles Kennedy sobers up and immediately offers to get a proper job

author avatar by 14 years ago

Newly-sober Charles Kennedy has resigned as leader of the Liberal Democrats after finally having a moment of clarity in which he realised what a fruitless existence he maintained whilst in that position.

After overcoming his hangover, Mr Kennedy was said to be distraught after reading reports of spending the last six years as the leader of a political party that will never, ever, come to power.

A close friend of Kennedy’s told us, “It’s been a horrendous few hours to be honest, lots of screaming and shouting.  There have been a few tears.”

“We showed him the video of his conference speech in 2005, and he had to leave the room after five minutes he was so embarrassed.”

“There he was, on screen, genuinely talking like they were going to form the next government.”

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“He told us he vaguely remembers giving the speech, but at the time he honestly thought he was Darth Vader talking to the Galactic Empire before an attack on Tatooine.”

“With hindsight, we actually feel a little guilty we didn’t perform some sort of intervention before now.”


Kennedy is said to want to take some time out before considering his next career move.

He told a local newspaper, “I think, after all these wasted years of drunken self-indulgence, that I’d like to make some sort of contribution to society.”

“I might retrain as a mechanic or a plumber, people always need plumbers, right?”

“My original retirement plan was to become the landlord of my own pub, but I see that as incredibly dangerous, now.  Before you know it, I could find myself filing early day motions in the House of Commons again.”