Just kill them all Vinnie, pleads nation

author avatar by 14 years ago

It was decided last night that the only way to save the final series of Celebrity Big Brother is for Vinnie Jones to go on a murderous rampage throughout the house and devour the still beating hearts of every contestant.

“It’s a new low for the reality television genre,” said everyone, everywhere.

“There will come a time when the only people qualified for a celebrity reality show will be the people who have humiliated themselves on a reality show.”

“An actual live, on the television murder is the only way I will be able to justify watching it – though maybe Vinnie can be convinced to kill a few of them?”

Wikipedia has reported a record number of searches for each of the contestants as every single viewer found themselves asking, “Who the fuck is that?”

One viewer, Tracy James, 34 told us “I only know Vinnie Jones, I think the rest of them must have been rounded up from the world’s lunatic asylums.”

“I think I might have seen one of them in OK magazine, I’m pretty sure he was the latest victim of Katie Price’s man-eating vagina.”

“But as for the rest of them?  I’d rather watch a house full of non-entities.  Which I’ll happily do when the real series begins, of course.”


Channel 4 have defended the show and its housemates, claiming that the format is very different from the traditional Big Brother.

A spokesman said, “It has the word celebrity in the title for a start, which immediately makes it the most attractive sort of drivel available on the television for the discerning moron.”

“Research shows that the contestants don’t actually have to be celebrities, we just need to convince you that they are.”

“So let me reassure you that Ekaterina Ivanova is a genuine bona fide celebrity, she’s been in magazines and everything.”

“But we’ve also tried to make sure that the group accurately reflects the population outside, and as such, 33% of the men in the house have had sex with Katie Price.”