‘Thou shall not steal’ leaves plenty of wiggle room, claims priest

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A priest from North Yorkshire has advised his congregation that the ten commandments actually contain quite a lot of wiggle room, and if they want something this Christmas, they should just shoplift it.

The move comes with the planet’s most commercialised event just days away, and with many wondering how to pay for all the things that the television has convinced them they absolutely definitely need.

Father Tim Jones, the parish priest of St Lawrence and St Hilda in York, said people should only steal from places with lax security as that will lessen the chances of being caught.

“The Ten Commandments are actually quite vague on the specifics,” said Father Tim during his sermon.

“Any half decent lawyer will tell you they wouldn’t hold up in court.  Legally speaking, they’re pretty much worthless.”

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“So I implore you, if there is something you need this Christmas, something you absolutely must have.  Then steal it. Just try not to get caught, and don’t tell anyone I told you to do it, as I’m only halfway through my own suspended sentence.”


Father Tim’s advice appears to have struck a chord, with many of his congregation acting on his advice almost immediately.

One parishioner told us “I was inspired by Father Tim’s sermon, so much so I went straight to PC World after mass and stole this new Sony laptop.”

“Jesus wants me to have this new laptop. It is His will. But he didn’t want me to pay for it, so I didn’t.”

Police have criticised the advice given by Father Tim, claiming that, “If God wanted you to have that Xbox this year, he’d have given you the ability to ignore a 40 year-old preachy virgin long enough to get a job and pay for one.”