Parents who allow their children alcohol in the home are doing so purely to make their progeny even remotely bearable, a parents association spokesman has told England’s chief medical officer.
Sir Liam Donaldson has warned that so-called ‘evidence’ has shown that allowing under-15s to drink in the home is risking them becoming binge drinkers in later life.
Sir Liam told reporters, “Allowing drinking in the home is bad parenting, for example, my own parents never let me do anything fun and criticised every attempt I made to do something interesting, and look, I turned out just fine.”
However parents organisations have been quick to discount Sir Liam’s advice as being more than a little inconvenient for those families looking for anything even remotely resembling a happy home life.
One parent told us, “I don’t care if it will make them a binge drinker in later life, they’re out of my house by then, so why should I care what they become?”
“All I care about is that sullen food consumption unit in the corner, the one with the headphones, and how I can stop him making my life a complete and utter misery all of the time.”
“After a bottle of Pinot Grigio he’s even been known to smile at his mother and stop spitting at me.”
“There is only one thing in this world worse than a binge drinking teenager, and that is a teenager who isn’t binge drinking. Sir Liam can shove his advice right up his tee-total arse.”
Another told us, “My daughter Tamara hasn’t spoken to me sober since she was 12. Does Sir Liam want my relationship with her to completely disintegrate?”
“Our only civil interactions nowadays might be us crying uncontrollably at random television programmes whilst drinking buckets of Chardonnay, but I wouldn’t swap those precious moments for the world.