The Treasury Select Committee has called for the immediate nationalisation of Simon Cowell, after studies indicated that he now controls almost 97% of the UK’s disposable income.
Chancellor Alistair Darling, attempting to regain the initiative after a less-than-positive reaction to last week’s Pre-Budget Report, welcomed the recommendation, saying it was the “easiest way to effectively tax the nation’s gullible masses.”
A Committee spokesman said, “Simon Cowell’s stable of programmes including X-Factor, Xtra-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Britain’s Got More Talent and the upcoming ‘Britain’s Got No Talent Left But Simon Wants Yet Another Prime-Time Saturday Slot’, has total dominance over the segment of the market known as banality TV.”
“With 20 million viewers, over 10 million phone votes last Saturday alone, and millions more in advertising revenue from firms wanting to sell their tawdry products to the nation’s sheep, Simon Cowell has generated enough revenue to run the entire NHS for a year.”
“Cowell has the current No. 1 album, several other artists in the album chart, numerous other No. 1s, and a guarantee that millions of simpletons with ensure his newest Geordie product will get the Christmas No. 1 – all of which leads us to predict that Simon Cowell will soon hold 96.78% of all Britain’s cash.”
“It is therefore right that he be nationalised with immediate effect, and his net worth used to reduce the nation’s financial liabilities.”
Mr Darling refused to be drawn on whether the new nationalised Simon Cowell would be forced to change his name to British Leyland, and declined to comment on whether Ant & Dec could also be subsumed into the new organisation.
A spokesman for Simon Cowell said that he strongly resented the planned nationalisation, and that his lawyers were looking into a hostile takeover of the UK Government in response.