Tedious Facebook updates to become completely unavoidable

author avatar by 15 years ago

Facebook has announced a range of new privacy settings that will make it almost impossible to avoid seeing updates to the profiles of some of the network’s most tedious individuals.

The changes have been criticised by privacy campaigners and anyone who would be just fine thank-you-very-much if they never saw another photo of you looking smug on holiday somewhere exotic.

The Electronic Privacy Information Centre claimed that the new settings will ensure that the photo of you at last years Christmas party slumped over Karen from Accounts will now be even more accessible to search engines like Google and Bing,

“It doesn’t matter how many times you untag yourself,” said Marc Rotenberg of Epic.

“That bitch will make sure its searchable to a quarter of a billion people.  Children in Burkino Faso will crowd around the village PC to mock your drunken lechery.”

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Strenuous denial

Facebook defended the new privacy settings by claiming that they did not mean your personal information was now shared by default.

Facebook spokesperson Barry Schnitt told us, “That is simply not the case, just like before, the system still relies on you actually going to a computer and typing out the tiresome details of the ‘really very interesting indeed’ thing that just happened to you.”

“Imagine if your cat did something funny, but you chose not update your status, or upload of photo of it, or then video it on your phone and then upload that as well – people wouldn’t have any idea just how mind numbingly dismal your existence really is.”

“The Internet is 99% banality anyway, we’re just making it easier to access that 99%.  If you want to read something interesting, why not try a book every once in a while.”